1. |
Dissociation
04:17
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The sun and humidity on the East side
My eyes lidded, my wounds complete
But I figured out how to survive
Hazy grasp on reality
This must be home
Dissociation
AMERICA
I don’t love life, I don’t even love you, but I can tolerate it sometimes
Life will destroy us eventually
With utter isolation and anonymity
With all the wonders of the body you chose to focus on disease
Flailing, erasing, wonders of the world
Life, so alone, so sweet
Strings hold you, if only you could see how they break so easily
If only you could see how you break so easily
And in our world, the chauvinists die
But here we are beside them
Here we are beside them
Dissociation
AMERICA
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2. |
Programmatic Man
03:44
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Today I am
A programmatic man
Turn my sensory perceptions on
And just fucking drive
Am I fooling you yet?
Tune the radio and pretend I'm alive
Relaxed focus
Destructive calm
We're the Jackals of the East Side
And we're feeding on the strong
We’re the jackals of a nation
We’re the devils in your song
We're the jackals
Fuck HIM
Fuck God
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3. |
Sordid Swung
05:17
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Erect and mysterious,
His van was red, his hair was white
He used to complete you
Finish you off with a single flick of the knife
Then wander his white way away
Hiding between the floor and the sheets
The all-consuming everyday fix
Business suits, white tux
Sordid swung
It’s a weaponized world
Where guns, cocked in the moonlight, spray in an ecstasy of horror across the tortured faces of the young and powerless
And the misogynists who wield them
Put their arms over women on the subway
And leer into their faces
Why is everything so dull until it is desperate?
No planning, so much death
Business suits, white tux
Sordid swung
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4. |
DBT
06:51
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Many people face overwhelming emotions on a daily basis. The knob is dimed out on much of what they feel; the resulting feedback loop can upend their lives.
Emotions can take over your body - they can create a doppelganger, an out of control version of yourself. They can make you afraid to feel anything. Unfortunately, repressing those feelings can cause them to increase in pressure, making them even less manageable than before.
You already know life is hard. But you’re not helpless.
Radical acceptance: the concept of looking at a situation and seeing it as it really is, not as you wish it to be. You cannot change the past, you cannot avoid pain, but you can decide how much suffering you experience based on your pain.
It’s a dialectic between acceptance and change. You can accept yourself for who you are while also changing the behaviors that cause yourself and others greater suffering. It’s positive doublethink, an embrace of contradictory thoughts. You can radically accept your life.
When people harm themselves physically, it relieves some of their emotional pain. Self-harm can cause the body to release endorphins, a natural painkiller that also has some mood-lifting properties. For a short period of time, these endorphins can make someone feel better physically and emotionally. In spite of this seeming reward, however, these feelings of release can actually reinforce future self-harm. These behaviors may then lead to death, infection, or permanent physical injury. The pain relief is a temporary solve. The guilt, damage, and deeper emotional pain remain.
Eric now returned to a mindful focus on each breath, counting in and out, concentrating on his diaphragm. A few minutes later, he felt a sort of dark calm wash over him. Complex, not exactly nice, but ok.
Every person contains a rich inner life. You are as visionary as art and far more complex than any computer.
You already know life is hard. But you’re not helpless. All you have to do is choose to begin, and then keep going.
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5. |
Don't Flinch
06:59
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“Don’t flinch,” they laughed
As the baseball flew at my face
Faking me out
Pretending to throw a ball at me
Sons are supposed to enjoy playing catch with their fathers
But neither did I, and neither did my sister
He broke her pinky finger
Don’t be a sore loser
Always try your best to win
Try your best to win
It’s all about the competition
All those who wander are whipped
Those who whip never wander
So don’t wonder why you feel so out of shape
You were fucked from the start
The jackal always loses
And no control or cowardice
Can help the wanderer, no
And where will we live
Alone and with no other promise of immortality?
For what that’s worth
Nothing
But we both hate HIM
The inescapable HIM
HIM
To be a snake with silver eyes
Afraid to venture on the East side
And see the diverse replica of life outside
He had empathy, but only for himself
His pity was belittling
Sometimes I wish we had souls
So the harshest among us could never find peace
But life is life and death is messy
Death is messy
Fuck HIM, fuck God, fuck your idols
For they are even more meaningless than you
The body never appealed to me
But I can tolerate that now
You drew an ace but you were too caught up to see it
So you bet your life on the jackal of spades
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6. |
Other Objects
04:41
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Shaking, fleeing responsibility
Like children being alone in the world
Moments fleeting across our attention like kindness, kindness
I love you but I don’t love myself
Nothing is broken, everything’s fine
Can’t escape the sensation of prickling electrodes in our spines
Shocking down to the toes and out into the grounded sea
I’m so tired, we’re sad and we’ll maybe be ok
Last night I met the straightest girls I ever knew
An overwhelming ruler and to them this is normal
My friend showed them his nipple ring and then watched them quietly freak out
Flailing desperately to save face
They ordered another beer
Nothing is broken everything works but nothing is normal
I just want to be alone
We all need and consume together
While watching the world go away
All things break apart but we can force HIM over a cliff of his own deceit
Love is just a greeting and a kindness
Why can’t he see it
Why can’t he see
His damage
The potential he wastes?
He’ll wipe the fucking world away
But someone is left with this language
I’m so afraid
We’re all gonna fucking die someday
Nothing is normal, does it even matter?
No room for pride here
Pride is unkind
And I can’t fucking escape
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7. |
Peak Ex
02:41
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Dom, sometime “bro,” got throat cancer just as we were falling out of contact
So, how to react, support a womanizer and a beast?
Life’s more complex than these categories
But that doesn’t mean you have to be like you are
Life looped around when I met another Dom, a woman, confident but introverted, at a coffee shop in Queens
I was at the counter
She didn't give me a chance to escape
I would’ve been happy to ignore her
Out of politeness, obstinance, that New York City charm,
I don’t know
Maybe I’m just shy
Hegemonic masculinity, she told me,
And certain things made sense
The other Dom survived
And I don’t feel guilty
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8. |
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“She’s hot,” he said
And he calls himself my friend
It’s time to stop the bullshit
Shit is complex and we all know you're single
Compliments could be alright
Not your patronizing, dehumanizing masculinity, no
We don’t run, we cross lanes
Accelerate
Flip off the other drivers
And enjoy each other
Descending, submit
We run and cross each other’s lives
The road contains you
But it doesn’t define you
It doesn’t define you
“You’re a jerk, and you’re sexist,” she told him
I can be quiet all day so why can’t he --
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Eric Benoit New Jersey
Contact: eric@ericmbenoit.com
If you've ever stared at your computer and cried, or told Siri you were sad because you didn't have anyone else, but you kind of felt good about it, then you know what my music feels like.
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