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College

by Eric Benoit

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1.
Alone 11:02
lyrics
I was alone in the world I was disconnected from everybody around me Nothing could make this better I stood there, surrounded by people who were supposed to love me People who do love me And I thought to myself, I am alone. I was surprised by how much pressure it took to make the incision And that made me feel safe Because I had always thought of the body as so fragile It was a scary time. It's still scary. And so, I rub my fingers over the healing cuts Soon to be gone, I hope Although possibly not They'll always be present in me as part of me I run my hands over them, and I feel the texture, the broken skin, The skin is, that is just becoming new, renewed and healed And I think of how I hid it from myself and from my friends Wearing long sleeves, Sometimes absentmindedly rolling them up And then quickly pulling them back down to fix the mistake It's still scary.
2.
Focalin 03:48
lyrics
I never thought it would be so like a film White crushed lines? So cliché Rolled dollar bills And then my body's running away Have to be alone Running across the campus Stop me where it's darkest The stars are beautiful here in Vermont Now I know what it means to be fearless Climbing and jumping through trees in the night I pay respects to the dead Through my embrace of life Falling out of a tree I cry, "I didn't land among the stars" And I can't get out of bed For the next four days Have to be alone Running across the campus Stop me where it's darkest
3.
A Story 02:53
4.
Acid 05:55
lyrics
I just want to be here with you All we can be is ghosts, memories The microphones glow Blue radiance from my glasses around you I'll forget, I know The moment we're here tomorrow
5.
Windows 09:58
lyrics
I watch you through a window of deceit I watch you through a window of deceit I watch you through a window on a screen Don't you know this is all over now? Don't you hesitate, for I, I will love But only through the glass Or the LED On the movie screen, or the TV screen, or the computer Because fuck no, I can't even explain or recall How I know you at all, oh fuck no I can't remember the last time we spoke And yet here I am Looking through the window For my own satisfaction My own pleasure My own Love, or that's what I'd like to call it Love, or that's what I'd love to call it But who knows? But who knows?
6.
Friend 03:09
lyrics
She reached out to me She needed a connection What is this about? Was it a way to fill an emotional void some idiot had left? Or is she the idiot? Or am I? (We will find God in ourselves living on strawberry fields) Sometimes when two cars crash In the middle of an empty street It signifies nothing Or everything, depending on your perspective. What actually happened then? He sat across the bed from me And I sat in my chair playing music to you And he's my friend You told him the truth, Which you haven't told anyone else We will live on chocolate We will sell the strawberry fields Strawberry fields forever
7.
The Things I'll Remember 02:10
8.
Elegy 06:20

about

My last two years of college were a tumultuous time.

While questioning my sexuality and dealing with crippling social anxiety, I was plunged into darkness when one of my peers committed suicide in Spring 2015.

This event, combined with an obsessive work ethic and continuing social fears, eventually caused me to break down by early 2016. I resorted to self-harm. Paradoxical as it sounds, it was the only way I could feel like I had control over something in my life.

I always thought that somehow, in some way, I could become perfect. That obsession led to a general dissatisfaction with life. I forgot what it was like to experience the world on its own merits, and I retreated instead into a mental prison of my own making.

Not everything went wrong during that time. I became extremely close with my friends. I had sublime experiences with music, art, and poetry that will never leave me. I found solace in creative expression.

But don't assume that because I made it through, I've suddenly figured things out.

It was a scary time. It's still scary.

This album tells my story.

PART A (Tracks 1-4): Spring 2016

PART B (Tracks 5-8): Spring-Fall 2015

--

Eric Benoit

credits

released June 16, 2017

Written and performed by Eric Benoit
Mixed and mastered by Eric Benoit
Album art assembled by Victoria Park

With special thanks to:
Jeff Holland

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Eric Benoit New Jersey

Contact: eric@ericmbenoit.com

If you've ever stared at your computer and cried, or told Siri you were sad because you didn't have anyone else, but you kind of felt good about it, then you know what my music feels like.

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