College

by Eric Benoit

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1.
11:02 video
2.
03:48
3.
02:53
4.
05:55
5.
09:58
6.
03:09
7.
8.
06:20

about

My last two years of college were a tumultuous time.

While questioning my sexuality and dealing with crippling social anxiety, I was plunged into darkness when one of my peers committed suicide in Spring 2015.

This event, combined with an obsessive work ethic and continuing social fears, eventually caused me to break down by early 2016. I resorted to self-harm. Paradoxical as it sounds, it was the only way I could feel like I had control over something in my life.

I always thought that somehow, in some way, I could become perfect. That obsession led to a general dissatisfaction with life. I forgot what it was like to experience the world on its own merits, and I retreated instead into a mental prison of my own making.

Not everything went wrong during that time. I became extremely close with my friends. I had sublime experiences with music, art, and poetry that will never leave me. I found solace in creative expression.

But don't assume that because I made it through, I've suddenly figured things out.

It was a scary time. It's still scary.

This album tells my story.

PART A (Tracks 1-4): Spring 2016

PART B (Tracks 5-8): Spring-Fall 2015

--

Eric Benoit

credits

released June 16, 2017

Written and performed by Eric Benoit
Mixed and mastered by Eric Benoit
Album art assembled by Victoria Park

With special thanks to:
Jeff Holland

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

Eric Benoit New York

Contact: ericmatthewbenoit@gmail.com

If you've ever stared at your computer and cried, or told Siri you were sad because you didn't have anyone else, but you kind of felt good about it, then you know what my music feels like.

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Track Name: Alone
I was alone in the world
I was disconnected from everybody around me
Nothing could make this better

I stood there, surrounded by people who were supposed to love me
People who do love me
And I thought to myself,
I am alone.

I was surprised by how much pressure it took to make the incision
And that made me feel safe
Because I had always thought of the body as so fragile
It was a scary time.
It's still scary.

And so, I rub my fingers over the healing cuts
Soon to be gone, I hope
Although possibly not
They'll always be present in me as part of me

I run my hands over them, and I feel the texture, the broken skin,
The skin is, that is just becoming new, renewed and healed

And I think of how I hid it from myself and from my friends
Wearing long sleeves,
Sometimes absentmindedly rolling them up
And then quickly pulling them back down to fix the mistake

It's still scary.
Track Name: Focalin
I never thought it would be so like a film
White crushed lines? So cliché
Rolled dollar bills
And then my body's running away

Have to be alone
Running across the campus
Stop me where it's darkest

The stars are beautiful here in Vermont

Now I know what it means to be fearless
Climbing and jumping through trees in the night
I pay respects to the dead
Through my embrace of life

Falling out of a tree I cry,
"I didn't land among the stars"
And I can't get out of bed
For the next four days

Have to be alone
Running across the campus
Stop me where it's darkest
Track Name: Acid
I just want to be here with you
All we can be is ghosts, memories
The microphones glow
Blue radiance from my glasses around you

I'll forget, I know
The moment we're here tomorrow
Track Name: Windows
I watch you through a window of deceit
I watch you through a window of deceit
I watch you through a window on a screen

Don't you know this is all over now?
Don't you hesitate, for I,
I will love
But only through the glass
Or the LED
On the movie screen, or the TV screen, or the computer

Because fuck no, I can't even explain or recall
How I know you at all, oh fuck no
I can't remember the last time we spoke
And yet here I am
Looking through the window

For my own satisfaction
My own pleasure
My own

Love, or that's what I'd like to call it
Love, or that's what I'd love to call it

But who knows?
But who knows?
Track Name: Friend
She reached out to me
She needed a connection
What is this about?
Was it a way to fill an emotional void some idiot had left?

Or is she the idiot?
Or am I?

(We will find God in ourselves
living on strawberry fields)

Sometimes when two cars crash
In the middle of an empty street
It signifies nothing
Or everything, depending on your perspective.

What actually happened then?
He sat across the bed from me
And I sat in my chair playing music to you
And he's my friend

You told him the truth,
Which you haven't told anyone else

We will live on chocolate
We will sell the strawberry fields
Strawberry fields forever